“A toast to the proud Lannister children: The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness” -Tyrion
A Game of Thrones Recapview By Sagebeth
With an epic main character death, a wedding, a human hunt, and good old burnings at the stake in the cards this episode, we won’t waste any of your time on pointless drivel and jump straight into a full recap.
THAT TIME RAMSEY SNOW DIRECTED HIS OWN HUNGER GAMES
“Theon was our enemy but Reek, Reek will never betray us”-Ramsey
“I place far too much trust in you”-Daddy Bolton
We start the episode with everyone’s favorite villainous sociopath: Ramsey Snow. This is Roose Bolton’s bastard who burned Winterfel, tortured and broke Theon Greyjoy, and is an all around bad guy who derives too much joy out of others pain. We catch up with him as he chases a fleeing girl through the woods, insisting if she can escape she can have her life. She cries out, and literally runs for her life as Ramsey, his lover, two dogs, and Reek (Theon after hes been terribly broken even more off screen) chase after her. Are these the same two girls who sexually teased Theon back when he was being tortured before he was castrated? Apparently one has become Ramsey’s lover, Miranda, and has grown jealous of the other hence hunting her through the woods for no good reason. The little scene was unsettling in a good way for two reasons: Reek/Theon has become completely subjugated and follows his ‘master’ Ramsey like a pet dog and when this little hunting party eventually catches up to its very human innocent prey Ramsey decides to reward his war dogs by letting them rip her to shreds. Yummy. I missed this cheerful cute psychopath.
Back at the Dreadfort later on Roose Bolton is returning from his great betrayal of Robb Stark with his new fat wife Walda(?) Frey in tow (haha, paid by the pound). He also brought along one of his men Locke who is responsible for cutting off Jamie’s hand. Note: Locke and Ramsey are like BFFs of violence. After Ramsey joyfully greets his new “mother” he has to break the news to his father that he may have played with Theon/Reek a bit too much. He reveals some of the things he ‘took’ from him and also presents Reek to Roose. Daddy Bolton however isn’t pleased – because he’s not a complete psychopath and he needed Theon. Theon should have been a valuable hostage, and this Reek is a broken toy. He wanted to use Theon to trade for Moat Cailin, a strategic Northern collection of towers that the Iron born have invaded but now that idea totally doesn’t work. Ramsey, trying to not just win his fathers favor but also credit toward becoming a real heir to the Dreadfort, doesn’t apologize but shows Roose and Locke how well he’s trained his new pet Reek. He has Reek shave him and right in the middle of it he reveals that Robb Stark is dead. Theon/Reek pauses and for a split second you think he might just slit his new ‘masters’ throat but instead he just continues his job. Roose either impressed or bored tells Ramsey that he must take Moat Cailin to prove his worth. Ramsey also has Reek share the news about Bran and Rickon being very much alive and most likely with Jon Snow at Castle Black. Roose sends out his best hunter, Locke to find the boys for a hefty reward. I’d love to see how Jon Snow would react to this bullshit.
THAT TIME BREAKING UP WAS HARD TO DO AND PRESENTS TIME!
“Now that the war is won we should all find time for wisdom – thank you Uncle” -Joffrey screwing with Tyrion
Brothers, Tyrion and Jamie are finally sharing a scene since the first season and it lovely. Tyrion is actually in a great mood, and I chalk it up to spending time with his brother who is no longer perfect. This is evidenced by him dubbing his Lannister siblings as “The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness”. However I also think Tyrion realizes that Jamie is his only family member who actually loves him. Jamie proves this by trusting him more than he has anyone else in Kings Landing by revealing that he can no longer fight without his sword hand. He wants to practice with his other hand but he doesn’t trust anyone to keep his secret about the whole “not being badass anymore” and probably kill him. Tyrion, always the fixer, decides to set Jamie up with his fave sellsword Bronn. In a secluded area near the ocean Bronn and Jamie meet up to practice and although Jamie is leery he also brought money for Bronn so it is all good. Oddly enough it is satisfying to see Jamie not be THAT awesome with his other hand but hopefully he’ll improve now.
Now while this is happening Tyrion learns from Varys that Shea has been found out by Cersei and Tywin so she’s in deep shizz. Tyrion hopes his ‘friend’ Varys will lie for him but the Spider is not ready nor willing to lie to Cersei or Tywin in case they were to suspect him. So in a move of absolutely fearing for her life Tyrion does the only thing he sees left to do: Horribly break up with her for her own good. Tyrion, obviously lying, literally wills the words out of his mouth. Shea, always the funny whore, tries to seduce him again but ends up getting faced when he offers her money, servants, and a house in Pentos. Shea continues to battle though so Tyrion finally lays into her about being a whore and not being suitable to bear his children unlike his child-bride Sansa. This is clearly hurting him more than her but she still stamps her feet like a child and basically pulls a hissy fit of sad tears as Bronn leads her to her waiting ship. Sad? Yes. Long time coming? Yes.
Presents time! During some morning wedding shower Joffrey gets some prezzies. Margaerys father gives them a gigantic golden goblet while Cersei points out Shea to her father who wants her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding. Yikes.Tyrion gifts his nephew with a self-help book about becoming a better leader so Joffrey does the only logical thing he can think of: He takes his new Valyrian steel sword (a gift from his grandfather Tywin) and cuts that bitch in half. Tyrion did you seriously think Joffrey’s big problem was not enough reading? Speaking of his new sword he obviously wants to name it – Turns out the Hound was right in saying “lots of cunts name their swords”. He asks the crowd for help and one of them mentioned is “Widows Wail” which Joffrey loves because now every time he uses the sword it will be like taking off Ned Starks head all over again. Sansa sits there watching, always utterly powerless. Sigh.
THAT TIME STANNIS STILL HAD A CRAYCRAY WIFE, A LOBSTER DAUGHTER, AND A CRUSH ON THE LORD OF LIGHT
“There is only one hell princess, the one we live in now” -Melisandre
Melisandre is busy doing her usual business on Dragonstone and that is burning people alive as tokens of faith to the Lord of Light. One of the unlucky participants is actually Selyse’s (Stannis’s queen) brother which is a huge reminder at what a whack job this woman is. She marvels at the burnings, and reacts to her husband with her religious zealotry. Awesomely Stannis doesn’t even speak to her, just looking utterly bored with her crazy ranting. He walks away without a word and discusses all the bad shit he is doing with Davos. It’s actually very repetitive from last year as Davos plays the naive angel on Stannis’s shoulder while Stannis blindly follows Melisandre. Later at dinner they discuss the siege they lived through back during the rebellion and Melisandre has to sort of set the highborn lady straight that hunger is something that exists everywhere. Selyse is mostly worried/concerned with her daughters soul but truly she is just disgusted with her only living child who she calls stubborn and sinful. Stannis, getting quite protective says shes only a child and straight to Selyse that she is not to be touched. Selyse agrees readily enough but mentions that perhaps Melisandre could speak with her. So Melisandre enters the little girls room while shes in bed, thankfully not sleeping, and begins a pointless conversation with her while lighting all of the candles around her room literally ‘letting the light in’. Melisandre dubs a religious book about The Seven gods as lies and fables and explains her true two gods to little Shireen aka Cute Lobster girl. There is a god of light, love and joy and a god of darkness evil and fear. Silly scene just to remind people about the religious difference? Probably.
THAT TIME BRANS PLOT ACTUALLY MOVED FORWARD AND VISIONS
“It must be glorious though; To run. To leap. To hunt. To be whole.”-Jojen being wise
We catch up with Team Bran as he watches the world through his direwolf Summers eyes. He runs, and jumps, and eats fresh meat so of course he is pissed when Hodor wakes him from his dream-walking. It wasn’t until now that I realized how unfair this must be to Bran who cannot walk. Of course he loves escaping into his animals – They must feel whole in comparison to himself. But alas Jojen always the wise soul warns Bran that if he stays too long in Summer he’ll forget himself inside of her. Bran pouts but this is forgotten when they continue their journey north of the wall. As they walk Summer seems very interested in a godswood tree so Bran follows his gut and bids Hodor to carry him to the tree. He sits at its base and slowly wargs into the tree – OMG AWESOME VISIONS ALERT! Brans sees a variety of actions since season one including a partial memory of his fall back in episode one which is cool because he couldn’t remember that at all. Most of his vision is a bunch of things that got people mega-excited in the season four trailer for the show but we also caught glimpses of Ned Stark, as well as part of Dany’s vision from the house of the undying being a broken down burnt out King’s Landing with either snow or ashes falling. The most tantalizing view though was a shadow of a great Dragon flying over King’s Landing – So is this still ultimately teasing Dany making it to Westros and unleashing her babies on the capital? The core of the vision though is the three-eyed crow communicating with Bran this time with a voice and bids Bran to continue North to find him under the “tree”. Perhaps its some massive godswood? So who actually is this three-eyed crow? Should Bran be wordlessly following his wishes? I supposed I’d listen to mysterious talking birds from visions too.
THAT TIME JOFFREY SAID THERE WAS TOO MUCH AMUSEMENT AT A WEDDING
“One heart. One flesh. One soul. Cursed be he who would seek to tear them asunder” -End of royal wedding ceremony
Back in King’s Landing we get the much bragged about royal wedding between Joffrey and Margaery. It’s beautiful and literally everything looks super expensive and detailed. The new royal couple kisses and Tyrion tells Sansa that it is better Margaery than her which seemed like his subtle way of pointing out that even though he’s a suck choice for a husband at least he’s not Joffrey. Good point. Also around now is when we got some cool unique character-pairing conversations. This includes: Bronn reassuring Tyrion that he got Shea onto her boat out of Kings Landing. Tyrion still feels like caca though so Bronn insists he “Go drink until he until it feels like he did the right thing”. Ha-ha. Tywin and Lady Olenna are paired yet again and they are there to remind us that the crown is severely in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos which is known to fund someones enemies if they don’t pay up. Tywin isn’t worried though and Olenna hilariously insists they enjoy the young love in the royal couple. Later Olenna approaches Sansa and gives her belated condolences for her families demise at the Red Wedding. Ironically she spouts “Killing a man at a wedding! Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage”. Oh man Olenna you tricky bitch! Do you know what you are foreshadowing or not? Meanwhile Jamie reverts a bit by both being charming and threatening to Loras concerning his impending marriage to Cersei. Mind you poor Loras only ended up in this conversation because he accidentally walked into Jaime when he was making sexy-eyes at Prince Oberyn across the party.Loras you slut! I love him. Jamie warns him of the darkness awaiting him if he marries her but then he ultimately says she would never. Loras for once has a winning parting line and lets Jamie know he won’t be marrying her as well. Burn. Brienne attempts to congratulate Joffrey but he dismisses her with an irritated wave of his hand after realizing she didn’t kill Renly. Cersei wants to talk to this beanpole of a woman though. Much like Jamie, Cersei begins the conversation quite charmingly and right when Brienne is comfortable she slides in the threats. Cersei is crazy jealous concerning Jamie even though she essentially wrote him off in the last episode. I also have to share that she is jealous of Briennes strength and ability to defend herself without relying on a man. Later on after Margaery announces her plans to send all their leftovers from the feast to the poor of Kings Landing, and Cersei is about ready to swallow her own tongue. Her solution to battling this new ‘queen’ is by threatening Maester Pycelle – It seems her new interest in Qyburn has made her realize her dislike for Pycelle. She overrides the new queens decision, ordering him to use the leftovers to feed the dogs and if he doesn’t he will be used as dog food. Ugh. Cersei looks insanely proud of herself – too bad it won’t last. Her, and Tywin end up in a conversation with Obyern and Ellaria (who looks super sexy) and Obyern wastes no time insulting them with barbs about bastards, Cersei no longer being queen, Tywins wealth, and the Lannisters wartime crimes against his family. Tywin unexpectedly coasts past this instead of bullying him probably knowing the problems it could bring. Note: Oberyn also hints at Cersei’s own daughter who is married into his family in Dorne. Yikes.
From here on out Joffrey will command absolutely all of our attention until the end of the episode and his life. A band plays a mournful version of the Rains of Castamere for their king and he awesomely throws coins harshly at them dismissing them for not being his version of entertaining. He tells the crowd some nonsense about a royal wedding not being an amusement but for history and he gestures at a 20-foot lion head. The mouth opens and out pops a theater troop of dwarfs dressed to represent the five kings of the war and Joffreys fake dominance over them. They ride mock-ups of their family sigils and perform essentially the highlights of the last four seasons including beheading Robb Stark and playing on Renly liking dudes. The entire act brings up genius level of discomfort and wholly insulting to mostly everyone at the wedding – Sansa, Tyrion, Margaery, Loras, Brienne, etc. In fact only Joffrey and Cersei seem to like this charade. Tommen, Joffreys younger brother, laughs briefly being too young to truly understand but he seems to stop when he looks at her uncle Tyrion and connects the dots. Tyrion looks supremely pissed and tells Podrick to pay each of the performers 20 gold and he’ll have to find a way to thank the king later. That bit of anger might come back to hurt him later.
This all wasn’t enough for Joffrey though and he focuses his worst traits on his uncle after this. He insists Tyrion fight the dwarfs and Tyrion is too prideful to not snark back he thinks Joffrey should do it considering he didn’t actually fight before and Tyrion would like to keep his face. Don’t poke the crazy asshole! Joffrey sets up to humiliate Tyrion but at every turn Tyrion rejects the humiliation such as calling Joffrey pouring his wine over his head a “spill”. Joffrey orders him to be his cup bearer and Tyrion calls it an honor. After some bullshit of Joffrey kicking his empty glass around so Tyrion has to struggle to pick it up they continue a back and forth with a mounting tension until Tyrion flat out refuses to bow before him. Note: Sansa actually helps her poor husband out a bit by retrieving the cup when he can’t find it under the table. It’s either meant to frame her or show her actually caring what he’s going through. Margaery, public relations extraordinaire, hilariously interrupts the stand off announcing the entrance of a giant pie. Of course Joffrey approaches the giant pastry with his new sword in hand, as though its a foe, and smacks into it ridiculously. Birds fly out of the opening, while a handful die inside from the sword blow – a metaphor for everyone on this show. Margaery feeds her husband some of the pie and he yells at Tyrion to give him more wine because the pie of dry. He gives him a re-filled goblet and he drinks. He coughs, takes another small sip of his wine, and begins to full on choke/cough way more. Margaery screams that he is choking. Olenna gets dramatic and begs someone in the crowd to help their king. Joffrey quickly begins to choke and panic as his face turns a vibrant red as Jamie rushes in trying to protect his secret son.
Tyrion looks absolutely confused with this turn of events, and even Sansa looks worried. The core of these last moments gives me time to reflect on the sad fact that Joffrey is still but a boy who has never been told no, sure a dickhead but a young boy nonetheless. Dontos, the drunk fool, appears by Sansa on the podium and bids her to escape with him while it is still chaotic. Cersei is completely losing her mind as this is probably her worst nightmare coming true – right after not being queen that is. In his last moments, while being held by his mother Joffrey sickly points an accusatory finger at Tyrion who is literally standing alone in the middle of the stage holding the empty poisoned goblet looking extremely confused. Too bad Cersei obviously believes Tyrion is to blame because he blatantly the only one I’m sure didn’t have a hand in it. So murder mystery time! Sansa? Dontos? Olenna? Margeary? Other? Thoughts. My gut feeling is Olenna but that could be me just expecting her to do cool shit and reading way too much into her eyes.
Whoever had the pleasure of poisoning Joffrey wins my VIOLENCE OF THE WEEK AWARD for sure. Anyone else both turned on and disgusted by Joffreys purple blood stained face and bloodshot googly eyes as he died? Just me?